(recomposing myself) Ok, getting back to more serious matters.

[first, i must take a small detour...and then i will get to writing about what i really want to write about] sometimes i have inner battles about what is ok and not ok to post on my blog. first of all i don't really have a focus for my blog...so, sometimes i feel like i post a bit aimlessly. second, i have a dilemna that i face every time i go to post something--knowing that anyone in the entire world can read what i write down. i question things like: is this too personal? am i just promoting myself by posting this? is this glorifying to God? how can i use my blog for good?

maybe i'm taking things a bit too seriously. as arienne pointed out to me, it's not my responsibility to make sure to monitor other people's internet usage and time spent blog reading. really, no one is forced to read what i post. so i shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to post something so dramatically insightful or life-changing!

[ok, so recomposing myself once more...and back to the beginning.]

after watching the movie Maria Full of Grace with a friend about a week ago, we listened to a teaching by JR Woodward. First of all, i would highly suggest seeing this movie--but only if your stomach can handle it. i literally felt sick watching this film. Maria, the main character is a drug mule, just to give a little insight as to why i was left feeling so ill.

but, what i am really wanting to write about, is a quote that i heard in the teaching (which was focused on the movie, Maria Full of Grace.) It's a quote by the late great C.S. Lewis:

"Good and evil both increase at compound interests. That is why the little decisions that you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which a few months later you may be able to go on to victories you've never dreamed of."

wow. read it again. and then again.

that is intense. the smallest good act! to think that years and years from now...the little decisions that i make for good rather than evil, could dramatically impact my life and other's lives--for infinity and beyond! i really love that quote. i want to live by this quote.

[just some food for thought.]

i'm back. (finally!) i dedicate this entry to Eric, Ross, Saunder, Rebecca and Sonja. (i promise, i'll try to write more!)

so i've been back for 50 days.

only 50 days. i feel like i've been here all along. like i never even left. as though Colorado is just something i dream about in my sleep. strange how crossing an ocean does that to you. makes you feel like you're living another life.

so, where do i begin? in some ways, i really don't know where to begin. i haven't blogged since October. how does someone jump back into this after being out of it for four months? four months filled of living different lives. i lived part of a life in Salt Lake City...and then back in Colorado. Oh, and even in Colorado, i led many different lives. there's the me in Fort Collins, and the me in Denver, and the me at home with my parents. i'm not saying that i turn into someone new every time i'm in a new place. well, not exactly. but the thing is, each place has a different feel. with different friends. and different places that i like to go. i do different things when i go to these different places...

should i tell you about my adventures of taking my very first road trip alone? being pulled over by the state patrol, dodging semi-trucks, enjoying the incredible western scenery of mesas and canyons, all the while as i belt out the latest Sufjan Stevens?

or should i tell you about how i waited until the very night before my departure, to start packing my bags (yes, to move across the world), staying up until 5 AM, and then sleeping for 2 hours, barely waking up in time to finish packing my luggage, and leave for the airport?

or should i tell you about how incredibly at peace i felt as i stepped foot onto Amsterdam soil? how natural it felt to here those words from the voice overhead, "mind your step, mind your step" as i make my way through Schipol and finally, to the luggage cart?

or how gleeful (for lack of a better word) i felt as i saw, for the first time in 18 months, the golden trees against the backdrop of different colored canal houses...

or should i tell you stories about how many times i've told people ... "it feels so normal"?

yeah, it's wierd. but it actually feels "normal" to be riding a bike everywhere, speaking Dutch to people behind the counter, and speaking with friends who come from all different corners of this planet!

i guess what i'm trying to say, is that sometimes i look back on my life over the last few months and feel completely disjointed. so many things have happened! and i've been through so many experiences that are so distinct and seperate from one another! but while i can feel disjointed at times, i also feel pretty darn lucky.

this morning i read psalm 23.
the Lord is my shepherd. i shall not be in want.
he makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me besides quiet waters.

many people have told me in the last couple months that i seem really content. or as Eric would put it: "you would make a good hippy, Naomi." and i would have to say that they are right. i'm really content right now. i'm enjoying the sunshine overhead. i have a Good Shepherd. i am not in want. i'm in green pastures. because the Lord is with me, i am always at home wherever i go.